April Fool's Mock Draft
by Raybin on Apr 1, 2010 10:51 AM EDT
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1. St. Louis Rams - Norm Van Brocklin
The team is searching for a franchise quarterback. Well, why take a chance on Sam Bradford when you can go with the sure thing? Van Brocklin is a known quantity and already a legend. Sure, he's been dead 27 years, but that just means he's well rested and ready to go.
2. Detroit Lions - Henry Ford
Louis Delmas said the other day the team is looking to stock up on leaders and all the talent it can. Detroit should go with the hometown boy who has already demonstrated leadership skills and a knack for whipping people into shape and bringing efficiency. New slogan in Detroit: "Assembly line to the end zone!"
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Edward Teach (Blackbeard)
Forget Ndamukong Suh. If the Bucs really want to instill fear into the hearts of their opponents, they should draft the most famous pirate ever. The dude fought with burning candles in his hair. You really wanna mess with him?
4. Washington Redskins - A new team name
Really, guys? Red skins? Get with the 21st century, y'all. Back in the 20's, there was a team with the name "Fairies." (True story!) Go with that.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Betty White
She has a stronger arm than Matt Cassel.
6. Seattle Seahawks - Steve Jobs
They haven't done much with Microsoft's Paul Allen as owner. Maybe it's time to switch to a Mac.
7. Cleveland Browns - A bucket
Mike Holmgren's judgment is in question. Seneca Wallace? Jake Delhomme? He's lost focus. He clearly misses his bucket.
8. Oakland Raiders - Clark Kent
Has the size, strength, speed and athleticism to be a Raider. Also has intriguing, virtually limitless upside. Almost as if he's hiding a secret identity.
9. Buffalo Bills - Ben Stein
The Bills need to bring back the sizzle and excitement to the franchise and Stein certainly has more of that than anyone else currently on the roster.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jesus Christ
Since everyone seems to think taking God's younger son isn't a winning strategy for the Jags, maybe they should look to the older boy. Jesus is pretty durable...every time you think he's done, he keeps resurrecting his career. He seems to have a big following, so he'd also sell a lot of tickets.
11. Denver Broncos - Josef Stalin
The franchise needs a more likeable, less arrogant guy than Josh McDaniels
12. Miami Dolphins - Jim Carrey
Why not bring another stupid celebrity owner on board? He already has a history with the franchise, having saved both their dolphin mascot and Dan Marino back in the mid-90's.
13. San Francisco 49ers - The guy who sang "Pants on the Ground"
Tell me he wouldn't team well with Mike Singletary
14. Seattle Seahawks - Ndamukong Suh
Really, if he falls this far, you have to take him
15. New York Giants - Woody Johnson's tears
Mmmm....delicious
16. Tennessee Titans - A Peyton Manning jersey
Seemed to motivate them last season, didn't it?
17. San Francisco 49ers - The 2005 #1 pick
Do over! We actually pick Aaron Rodgers.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Matlock
Might as well keep the best defense attorney in the universe around, just in case
19. Atlanta Falcons - Bobby Petrino
Arthur Blank can organize a charity event. Each fan pays 10 dollars to beat Petrino with a lead pipe for 30 seconds. It'd raise millions.
20. Houston Texans - A playoff berth
If we can't win it, we'll draft it!
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Gandalf
Apparently magic of some sort is needed to exorcise the Curse of Bo Jackson and get them back to a Super Bowl
22. New England Patriots - James Bond
Now that the league is on to video cameras, the best super spy in the world can get them the info they need to get back on top!
23. Green Bay Packers - The head of Brett Favre
Would make a lovely decoration stuck on a pike atop Lambeau Field
24. Philadelphia Eagles - Sam Bradford
Hey, why not another quarterback?
25. Baltimore Ravens - A real city
Baltimore sucks. Their most famous resident is a guy who bakes cakes for a living.
26. Arizona Cardinals - Justin Timberlake
Another ex-boy band member for Matt Leinart to chill out in the hot tub with
27. Dallas Cowboys - Pick forfeited
What do they need that Jerry Jones can't buy?
28. San Diego Chargers - The Heimlich Maneuver
Could be useful in the playoffs
29. New York Jets - Santa Claus
Now that Rex Ryan is shedding the pounds, they need a new jolly fat man
30. Minnesota Vikings - A warehouse full of Metamucil
They'll need it to tempt Gramps to come back for one more season
31. Indianapolis Colts - A box of cyanide capsules
Will be necessary if Peyton Manning ever suffers a season ending injury
32. New Orleans Saints - Reggie Bush's career potential
Oh here it is. Been missing for 4 years.
If it's deemed spam, it gets deleted.
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Comments
Waste of time.
This mock was about as cool as taking a bath with your dad.
by MSsteele on Apr 1, 2010 11:22 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
or it can be as that piss that was in your Cherrios!
Get HWSNBN...and they will come
by FreeBradshaw on Apr 1, 2010 12:08 PM EDT up reply actions
Gee, thanks
I will say I am stealing your metaphor though for future use of my own
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Actually, Flash had the fastest time at the Super Combine.
"I'm tired of hearing
about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
Shaquille O'Neal
by JP 23 on Apr 1, 2010 12:46 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
I thought about the Flash
But I decided Superman had strength to go with the speed.
Plus his vertical jump numbers were crazy
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Clark Kent makes too much sense as a Raider pick here
And Al Davis doesn’t like to go all conventional with it. I think General Zod is the pick here, and has that Raider attitude and aggression. He would also prove to be a strong leader as a MLB on the defensive side.
"We have to win eight. I'll be crushed if we don't win eight." CRN...Eat it BN, lol
Funny stuff
I like it!
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life... so lets get wasted all the time and have the time of our lives!
Thank you!
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
LOL!
good stuff man.
“Woody Johnson’s tears”.!!!
..almost as tasty as Red Sox fan tears.
Get HWSNBN...and they will come
You mean Cubs fans tears. Sox fans are crying tears of joy these days.
Bartman! That should be the Bears 3rd round pick!
"I'm tired of hearing
about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
Shaquille O'Neal
by JP 23 on Apr 1, 2010 12:43 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
the Sox do not cry tears of joy...
I can assure you of that.
Especially after Papelcrap choked in the playoffs.
Get HWSNBN...and they will come
Thanks
I honestly was stuck on the Giants for the longest time. Was hoping the Woody Johnson joke would suffice
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Yh
"I'm tired of hearing
about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
Shaquille O'Neal
by JP 23 on Apr 1, 2010 12:38 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
The Washington Fairies!
Oh wow! That one had me laughing out loud! It would be the perfect name if San Fransisco ever changed there name. The San Fransisco Fairies! Lmao!
"I'm tired of hearing
about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
Shaquille O'Neal
by JP 23 on Apr 1, 2010 12:41 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Watch BASEketball
it’s been covered already
"God tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're fucked."-Braveheart
Highly offended by this
25. Baltimore Ravens – A real city
Baltimore sucks. Their most famous resident is a guy who bakes cakes for a living.
I love my city!
You have to hate losing more than you love winning.
Hahahahaha, don't worry dude, it's all tongue planted firmly in cheek
The only thing about Baltimore I really don’t like is its Greyhound station.
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
I don’t know man. I am pretty sure if you came to the west side of Baltimore, you probably wouldn’t like that either. But overall, its a very nice city. Everyone should spend a Saturday at the inner harbor once in their life.
You have to hate losing more than you love winning.
Baltimore
The home of Fenway Park South
"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty."
by Mother Tucker on Apr 1, 2010 9:23 PM EDT up reply actions
Thank you Bradshaw
Lived here my whole life and never want to leave.
You have to hate losing more than you love winning.
So will Stein be coaching or playing QB?
I call it... The Avaslug!
I am the 1st and probably only official member of the David "Dr." Jones fanclub. Until I get the newsletter out, anyway.
Donte Whitner sez: Camp Jauron is over!
Wherever he's needed most
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
LOL
this made me laugh, but you disappointed me with the forfeited pick thing for the Cowboys
that was lame
Should have given you a roller coaster and ferris wheel to put in Jerry World Stadium.
You have to hate losing more than you love winning.
Dammit, wish I'd thought of that
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Believe me, I know
Totally blanked on the Cowboys
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
i'm okay with us getting Jesus
"HULU: An evil plot to destroy the world. Enjoy"
Driver of the "Cut Reggie Nelson" Bandwagon.
Winner of the 2010 Chad Pennington Award
He's no Tebow
But he’ll do
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Ah, did not know that.
Thanks for the correction! Teach was a badass.
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Very funny
The Atlanta fans are working on your idea right now. I would have given Cincy Charles Manson. Or Hannibal Lecter.
Heh, not a bad idea
Another guy to try and reform.
"'Tis a bird I love, with its brooding note, And the trembling throb in its mottled throat; There's a human look in its swelling breast, And the gentle curve of its lowly crest; And I often stop with the fear I feel-- He runs so close to the rapid wheel." Nathaniel Parker Willis, "The Belfrey Pigeon"
Dont give Stephen Ross any more ideas
2009 NY Phin PhansFantasy League Champion
2009 Best Regular Season Record in NYPPL.
2010 The Jim Mandich NewsFlash Award Winner.
14. Seattle Seahawks – Ndamukong Suh
Really, if he falls this far, you have to take him
Hilarious
28. San Diego Chargers – The Heimlich Maneuver
Could be useful in the playoffs
Even Funnier
"I will never have my best season," Brian Dawkins
"All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one." Scarface
Team McNabb
The New England Comment was a little tasteless to us pats fans, but I got a chuckle out of that
Same response as the “Eek, A Penis” episode in South Park
"Imagine the Flying Elvis with a Mickey Mouse hat. That's me"
Nothing for the Lions??
C’mon its not hard to make fun of ’em (insert Millen joke here)
The beginning of the end of the misery
Nice job
Lifelong Arizona Cardinals/Chicago Bears fan.
I can't stand fair-weather/bandwagon fans, stick with your team, throughout the good and the bad.
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